A commonly used phrase is one by which someone judges another to be ‘seeking attention’. Attention seeking behaviour is frequently (incredulously) dismissed and is something which is frowned upon. Perhaps that is because the behaviour of another is ‘manipulative’ and not entirely honest. It might be because the seeker of attention does not yet know how to articulate and verbalise their need for attention in more appropriate ways yet because they have never had a healthy role model to learn healthy behaviour from.
A seeker of attention may not have had their need for attention met with a consistent supply of love and attention from those around them, a consequence of which leaves them empty, needy and wanting. Having attention paid to us is a basic human right of which we are all worthy. To not be paid attention can promote shame in the individual. It might be that the seeker of attention does not know how to pay attention to themselves and fulfil their own needs in a self-supporting, independent way. They may never have been taught that it’s ok to pay attention to themselves, because they may have been raised with the expectations that they meet the needs of others around them – because to be a martyr is deemed ‘good and worthy’.
So what if we are one of those people who acknowledge that we do need attention? How often do we stop to really listen to what we ourselves are saying? How often do we do or say something and expect a certain reaction from another, only to find that they do not meet our expectations and we feel disappointed that they did not respond to us in the way that we wanted them too? What needs do we automatically expect another to meet for us that we could in fact meet for ourselves, if only we paid attention to ourselves? Paying attention to ourselves can be about listening to what we are trying to tell ourselves, either mentally or physically through the body. Paying attention to ourselves can be about choosing to be around those with whom there is mutual respect and there is give and take. In this way the relationship is two-way, it goes both ways; there is an even harmonious flow. To continually pay attention to another – or to feel that we ‘should – can be to deny ourselves; it’s one way.
Is it selfish to pay attention to ourselves? Is it self-absorbed to do so? Perhaps it is only perceived as selfish to do so, by those who are demanding of our attention in the first place, and often they may be the people who do not meet their own needs in the first place either. It can be a vicious circle of co-dependence, rather than one of taking responsibility for meeting our own basic needs and honouring and respecting that others truly benefit from doing this too. Sometimes it is a matter of priority, whose needs are greater? But beware of falling into the pit of martyrdom, where we may egotistically pity those around us and perceive that ‘we know better’ or are ‘more capable’ than they are in taking responsibility for their lives. In that, we can ‘take over’, rather than letting the other grow.
What are our own basic needs? Time is one such need, and how little time we may gift to ourselves. By not doing so, we risk disconnection from our true selves. Do you ever look in the mirror and meet the gaze of someone who you do not recognise staring back at you? Paying attention to ourselves means giving ourselves time to connect to our true self. Paying attention to ourselves is being a friend to ourselves and getting to know ourselves well so that we do not become a stranger in the mirror. Has anyone ever asked you why you do something and you reply that ‘you don’t know’? It may be that time is required, for contemplation and reflection or meditation. Paying attention to ourselves can mean looking after ourselves: considering what we are eating, what we are wearing, listening to what makes us feel good within ourselves. It doesn’t imply vanity at a basic level, but it can be a reflection of how we value ourselves. Do we feel worthy of paying attention to ourselves, if not, then perhaps that is all the more reason to learn how to do so, to increase self-esteem.
Fulfilling our own needs requires that we listen to our essential needs and what our inner voice is telling us. That may be time out, a little peace and quiet, so that we may listen peacefully and reconnect with ourselves, rather than continually looking outwards and meeting the needs of all and sundry, with the heavy price tag which is the cost to ourselves. All too often we may be caught up in paying attention to those around us, but what happens when the battery runs flat? When we do not listen to ourselves and take care of ourselves, with self-love and respect, we can soon become weary, or even fall sick with dis-ease. This can be the body’s way of forcing us to pay attention to ourselves; we often don’t, until it’s too late and how ‘selfish’ might that be in the long-run if there are other’s who do depend on us in some way or other?
Respecting and honouring ourselves means that when our body is tired, we rest. Respecting and honouring ourselves means that when we are thirsty, we drink. Respecting and honouring ourselves means that when we are hungry we eat. We would not expect a car to run without fuel indefinitely; when the gauge shows empty it is realistic to top the levels up.
By giving to ourselves, constantly replenishing and re-charging ourselves, it means that we have more to give to others in the long-run. We can then also consciously decide if those that seek attention will receive our attention, if we have ample supply ourselves to give to another. Manipulation is but a battle for energy which is scarce in both camps and the key to this is replenishment and self-nourishment. Paying attention to ourselves means checking in with ourselves every now and then and asking ourselves, what do I need? What would make me happy? What would I like to do today? Can the other person wait? How easy do we find it to say no to someone else? And if not the perhaps we need to ask ourselves ‘why not?’
By paying attention to ourselves, we give to ourselves, and can open ourselves up to receiving too. We can re-parent and heal our inner child, as we start to trust that we can depend on ourselves. We have less need of attention from others because we begin to realise that from others there is a transitory dimension to it. We begin to build deep rooted self-esteem and self-trust and start to realise on a genuine level that we can take good care of ourselves.
